Friday's Drama

To his credit, Diamond Jim has only called me once this weekend. His number is blocked, so I am not answering his calls anyway. Eventually I will need to talk with him for two reasons. One, we are in the inspection phase of this contract and the buyer is going to want an answer on the list of repairs they will inevitably send over. I wish that was the only reason.

And two, Diamond Jim's doesn't have a key to his home anymore (another long story). He left stuff over there and needs to get it. But--and this is where it gets dicey--he doesn't have transportation because Junior took his truck away. This was in everyone's best interests because Diamond Jim kept getting lost, calling random family members, and asking how to get back to his home on 9th Street. He has never owned a home or lived on 9th Street. Sadly, the people at the home on 9th Street are a bit tired of arguing with him about this particular tid-bit. In addition to this, I have witnessed first hand the fact he truly doesn't really remember how to drive and it was just a matter of time before he runs over a child or runs his car into a building.

Jim's life choices came to a head last week. He disowned his son on Thursday. Junior, a former Army Ranger, is pretty broken up about this. He disowned his daughter on Friday. And please understand I am not glossing over the enormity of the above. It breaks my heart beyond belief.

After he got through with his children, he then called me, demanding I stop what I was doing right then and there and pick him up and take him to his office. "What office?" I asked, stupidly. He meant his home he is selling, but it took about 10 minutes to figure that out. There was no, "Please." There was no, "If you have some time." When I explained I was busy, he hung up on me.

He then called his daughter again, said he was going to kill himself and hung up on her. Daughter called me in a panic. And I called 911 and explained what was going on. But I have to tell you, when someone suggests they are taking their life, I think of that as serious. Unfortunately, when the first responders showed up, Diamond Jim was fine and he denounced me as a liar.

Then his sister left a message for me. I have never in my life spoken to this woman, and after the message she left me Friday, we will just keep it that way. Essentially, I was to stay out of Jim's business. Fine by me.

As far as I am concerned this sale can't close fast enough.

The Half-Full Glass

Mitch and Tonya are the greatest clients EVER. Dee and her Merry Band of Felons are wonderful, but they are no Mitch and Tonya. I went out with Mitch and Tonya today to window shop (and possibly roof and door shop, but that remains to be seen) And even if they only look, they are SO MUCH FUN THAT I just don't care if they ever buy anything again. In fact, I would be willing to show them homes any time they are in town just to hang out and have some of their positivism flow my direction.

Anyway, Mitch and Tonya (and Dee) are the stark contrast to the other real estate transaction I am dealing with. Unfortunately Mitch and Tonya had to see me deal with that other transaction and with me practically losing my dignity when Diamond Jim pulled one of his passive-aggressive shenanigans. As of today, I have blocked Diamond Jim's phone number. I have blocked his sister's phone number. I am crossing my fingers and toes the buyers back out of this transaction this week so I can fire him and get on with my life.

In order to figure out something really positive I can say about Diamond Jim at this moment I will leave with this. I am now more motivated than ever to write the Great American Novel and leave real estate behind.

Honest, I Mean It

The subject header of the e-mail I sent to Marty yesterday said, "This time I mean it." The e-mail said. "I am quitting real estate. Forever."

It was mid-afternoon. I had already commiserated with Bliz (thank you!). I had just talked to Mrs. Hufflepuff, a broker, asking her for a read on my situation--her read was the same as mine (except for the part where she said, "Want to come work at our brokerage yet?"). And after pondering for a bit, I called the Arizona Real Estate Legal Hotline, a quasi-free resource for Brokers. In this case the lawyer I spoke with was surprised I was calling. Fair enough, I knew the answer, I just wanted a way to phrase it.

Here's the situation: Diamond Jim gave his son a power of attorney to handle the real estate sale. He did it for several reasons. 1) Diamond Jim truly doesn't understand real estate transactions. I know this from first-hand experience. 2) There is a suspicion, unconfirmed because Diamond Jim refuses to go to a doctor, that he is really not of sound mind. 3) And this was by far the most important reason, I wasn't dealing with him and his craziness if I didn't have to.

Junior has done a fabulous job. This week, an offer came in on his house, and Junior signed the paperwork. Diamond Jim is getting a lot more than he probably should for his home. All of this has been relatively stress free.

But, no real estate transaction with Diamond Jim is ever relatively stress free. Oh no. I can't have nice things real estate closings with this man! Instead, Diamond Jim got pissy over a few minor details. Most of the details have to do with the fact he has no control over the situation. I knew he would get pissy. He has with the last two sales he has had. In fact, the first time I sold a home for him he refused to sign the closing documents and then didn't move out for two months. In the case of this transaction, he decided Junior was mean and out to get him. So, he called me and told me to cancel the sale because Junior had been involved.

"I can't do that." I replied. Then I happily added, "You put a power of attorney in place."

True, but Diamond Jim can cancel the sale, even with the power of attorney in place. I know this because Mrs. Hufflepuff and the AZ Real Estate Legal Hotline told me. Plus, I learned this somewhere real estate school. However, if Diamond Jim cancels the sale, he will be sued for performance by the buyer. He will be sued by the buyer's agent for a commission. I probably won't sue him for a commission I earned because I know there is no chance in hell of him ever having the money to pay it. But I threatened to anyway.

Then Diamond Jim said a lot of ugly things about life in general, fired me and hung up. I wish I could say it ended there, but no. You see Diamond Jim did not know how to cancel the sale because he didn't know who the players were. Because I was fired, I refused to write up a cancellation on his behalf and I wasn't about to kiss his butt.

Around 5 p.m. last night, Diamond Jim called me, like earlier hadn't happened, asking how the sale was going. And then I laid into him. I will settle up with the Almighty later when he scolds me for my outburst. Truly, I understand Jim has an issue but there is no amount of money that I can be paid to deal with this bat-spit craziness. In my rant I also pointed out that he hired me to work in his best interests and we are all on the same side and perhaps he could act like we are working for a common goal. The offer for his home is amazing and he should be so lucky to have a contract like this one.

"So what are you going to do?" He barked.

"Nothing I am fired."

Suddenly Diamond Jim started figuring a few things out. If he goes through with the sale he has money. He also unburdens himself from this property. In the end I agreed to meet with him this morning. I brought Jane along as a witness. Diamond Jim insisted I stop working with his son. No. I will not. He threatened to pull out of the sale again. I explained that was his choice and gave him the phone number for the title officer. He circled around to: I wasn't to work with his son and only by doing so would he keep the transaction going. I shrugged. There is a power of attorney in place, so no. I will not abide by this. But, I conceded to let him sign his own documents (Junior can sign them legally in the background) as long as he behaved himself. I ended our negotiation telling him the following was non-negotiable: the next outburst from him and I was cutting him off and only working through Junior--though I really can't.

We left on good terms. However, as I was leaving he stopped me and said, "If I ever fire you again, just ignore it, Ok? I don't mean it."

The Merry Band of Felons

The Diamond Jim saga is changing so quickly that I can no longer keep up (summary: he doesn't know where he lives, I had to go find him yesterday as he drove around Mesa completely lost, he has pretend friends staying with him that he is fighting with and he fired me today, even though his home is in escrow). So, let's talk about Dee and her Merry Band of Felons.

Diamond Jim may be the absolute worst (possibly now-former) client, I have ever had. Dee, on the other hand is one of the best clients I have ever had. She is an amazing woman who brings love and light to my life. She thanks me. She refers me (unfortunately to other felons, but it is a start). She is kind and has gone to a lot of effort to let me know she appreciates what I do for her.

Dee feels she has been called by Divine Providence to minister to prison felons, especially those who might not be allowed to be around children ever again. Those types of felons have numbers next to their crimes: such as level 2 or level 3. Now before I go any further, I never would condone the behavior of these folks. Divine Providence didn't speak to me and ask me to mingle with these people, and if that is the case for Dee, the more power to her.

Because of the nature of her ministry, municipalities aren't in favor of her work. She has had road block after road block. Neighbors at her last home didn't like her (I sold that house!). Cities don't like her either. Recently I sat in a City of Phoenix zoning meeting where she told the truth and got her latest project shot down. Fortunately for her there are loopholes and stipulations that allow her to still do what she does. She just has to limit her involvement to specific neighborhoods. Like scary parts of Phoenix.

Anyway, two days ago she called me wanting to see a home in a scary part of Phoenix. She never comes alone. There are always three or four of her charges in tow (I once wanted to bring Buckaroo because I didn't like the neighborhood I was going into, but it would have been a parole violation if they were around him). Her Merry Band of Felons are quite useful. For example, the lock was stuck at a home once and Bill broke in found a creative way to enter. Seth is great with construction and knows about building--a skill he said he picked up in his 20+ years. Joe has "buddies" in the neighborhood who offer protection. Me? I think Dee is pretty neat. Her Merry Band of Felons are interesting. They tell great jokes, are always respectful, but I don't think I will be inviting them out for tea any time soon.

Yesterday we found a home that Seth is sure isn't going to fall down. Joe says the 'hood is reasonable (um... sure) and fortunately Bill was able to make the door work when the key didn't want to cooperate. The Merry Band of Felons are a happy lot. They have expressed gratitude to Dee and her husband for all they do. And they have shared their love for Divine Providence with others. And that is what Dee set out to do.

I Did Not See That Coming

So I spoke with Liam of Liam and Inga today. Earlier this week, they were talking about selling, but weren't in a big hurry. On Monday I had asked where they were going I got cryptic answers that made me raise an eyebrow. Also, right now they are looking on Zillow to see what their home is worth--which is significantly different than what the data I am looking at says.

Anyway, I called to follow up with Liam today, as we didn't get a chance to finish our call Monday. Yesterday was drama from Diamond Jim and drama from felon-clients day--but those are for different posts. Liam gave me the real story. They are divorcing.

And then Liam cried.

By the way, this couple is in their late 60s, early 70s. It is heartbreaking to hear what he had to say. Worse, I want to help and make his pain go away. But the way I know how to help has more to do with real estate, as I know little about their marriage. I told him I wanted to come across as a compassionate individual and not a real estate sales person as I gave him some options. He thanked me--which I appreciated.

It is on my calendar to call him next month. In the meantime I will send them comps on their home and let them sort out their other decisions.

Zillow is the Boss of All that is True and Right in the World (according to Zillow)

Disclaimer: This is not advice to you, my three-ish readers, but just words in general: we are in a boom market. If you want to sell and make a few bucks on your home, now's the time. If you want to sell AND STILL NEED A PLACE THE SAME SIZE AS THE HOME YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW, maybe not. That's why the Sunshine family isn't selling. We have nowhere to go. We don't qualify for a mortgage. We have two pets and a less-than one year bankruptcy, so on paper we aren't exactly stellar renter material either (though we know how to be fabulous tenants).

A Generic Above-Ground Pool that adds no value to one's home. 

I bring this up because Liam and Inga want to sell. They bought their home from me three years ago. Their home has appreciated in value. But, they refinanced last year and "put in a pool." So, now Zillow swears they have ample equity. Except the pool they put in was one of those above ground-disposable types that won't last more than five years. So, no value there and the money they used in their refinance is gone--but they have a higher mortgage payment. In fact the mortgaged amount is pretty close to what their home is worth.

But they won't believe me that their home isn't worth what Zillow says--even though I have given them accurate and concrete data. I can see how this will go already. They will argue until they are blue in the face, allow me to list their home and fire me when they don't get what they want for their home (it doesn't have a pool and they already mortgaged away their equity!). And only then, will they listen to the next real estate agent who comes along and tells them the same exact thing. "You will make no money if you sell your home right now. Don't move."

Plus, they still need somewhere to live. I have asked about six times where they would be moving to. I am getting cryptic answers that range from "around," to "we haven't exactly decided." I am guessing they have decided, and just aren't forthcoming with the information.

Nevertheless, Liam and Inga are talking to me about selling their home. They don't like what I am telling them (you have no equity nor can I accurately market this home as a property with a pool) and my guess is I won't be their agent very long.

The Sales Force

When I have an open house, I like to put out flyers ahead of time, with the hope some people will  actually show up. Folks who plaster flyers on people's doors expect to be paid--which is fair, they work, I however, am on a bit of a shoestring budget. Therefore, Buckaroo and his two pals get out their scooters, and travel the neighborhoods passing out flyers for me. When folks ask about the open house, they will politely talk to them, reading what is on the flyer as they have been coached (open house, Saturday, call for more details). I have to tell you, those boys are naturals.

Because they are charming, I have yet to get any complaints from neighbors asking me to stop littering. These boys work for ice cream and other special perks, such as a day of laser tag.

Today, they helped me put out 300 flyers--and that was less than 10 percent of the neighborhood. Hopefully that will bring in a few folks to Saturday's open house.