I'd Rather Stay Polite and Professional

Well now, here's a new one: Dee's loan underwriter is requiring some pretty stupid, outrageous, idiotic,  f#$(! ridiculous unusual conditions for Dee's loan. Plus, this same person refuses to return my calls and apparently only allows one e-mail conversation per month that is written in shouty, bold caps because she is a, "professional."  

Condition 1: The bank wants the entire (ENTIRE) contract re-written excluding the seller's name from the contract. Why? Because they have decided the seller isn't really the seller. The seller really does own the house. I pulled up the title report AND a copy of the deed proving this but haven't heard back if this was enough proof. 

Condition 2: Half of the home is owned by an LLC. The lender wants every member of the LLC to sign the purchase contract (but not the seller who signed the contract--are you following here? No? No worries. We don't get it either). It isn't good enough to have the managing partner of the LLC sign the contract. Nope. 

I have written well thought-out, and polite e-mails stating things such as, "I would love it if you would call me please so that we can avoid any further misunderstandings..." and "I am unsure as to what exactly you are looking for, because the contract is fully executable and signed by those with authority to sign such contract." 

Meanwhile, the other agent and I are banging our heads against the wall, trying to read the minds of this particular underwriter. In addition, I have called Dee's loan officer who took this loan and used my best, "I am so confused, could you help us so that we are all on the right track..." He's at a loss too. Plus the underwriter is ignoring him as well. 

Additionally, I pulled out my crystal ball and dusted off my underwriter-to-English dictionary and tried to figure out what she wanted. I think--and this has been verified by the other agent that I'm on the right path, because she is the only one who will discuss this with me, even though SHE isn't the one getting the loan--I was able to take care of Condition 2 with a Power of Attorney, drawn up by Title and signed by the seller. By the way, I represent the buyer. 

My Big Girl Broker Voice is getting a work-out on voice mails. And make no mistake, everyone has a boss so I don't mind escalating this if necessary. And also, please know, I am not opposed to going from polite and professional to all Karen if necessary, but I'd rather not.